Thursday, 8 August 2013


Hi guys, firstly apologies for my lack of posts. With H being home at present with no tours lined up life is just normal and boring. 

Any way, today is my three year anniversary! YES THREE YEARS MARRIED! Last year H warned me that he would never top his gift, a trip in a hot air balloon over West Wales. He was right, haha! I don't tend to compare extravagant gifts, last year H was in Afghanistan and our anniversary happens to fall within R&R, therefore we had more money spare for me to be spoilt! 

This year, H is on summer leave however I had work all day. Whilst sat at my desk all I could think was that I wanted to be at home. Looking at the clock and reliving 3 years ago... 10am - at this time I was having my hair done... Etc etc! Neither of our wedding songs (we had two) were released by the artists so no songs were played on the radio for me to reminisce. Although a song by The Script did come on, and I paused at my desk, let the numbers in my head wander away as I listened to Danny's voice. Humming our song "Im Yours" in my head just after as I made a cup of tea. 

It's hard to believe that I've had a different name for three years. The past three years haven't been hunky-dory to say the least, but he is mine and I am his. I still look at him, stare at him when I think that he's not looking, he always feels my eyes and gets freaked out. He thinks I'm weird. But I could stare at him forever. I know the lines in his face, I know the slope of his nose, the green in his eyes. My handsome hero. 

Technically today was just another day, no acknowledgement from the outside world, apart from those on twitter who responded with "Happy Anniversary" to my soppy anniversary message to H. But I like the fact that this celebration can be one celebrated by H and I alone, we put T to bed (J stayed at his grandparents), H went out to collect an Indian take away and wine, then we watched a movie, cwtched up on the sofa. Just us. 

By saying this people may think that I don't know what's around the corner but... I will love this man until my dying breath. Our relationship isn't all flowers and lace but we love each other. Love is all we need. 

Together Forever!
Forever Together! 

08/08/10 = love! 

Friday, 22 March 2013


Having H home was amazing! I could relax, I didn't have that constant worry and the constant longing for a telephone call. I didn't have to pray every time I drove home in fear that a uniformed figure may be lurking waiting to tell me the news.

I looked at him, at his skin, at his hair. He was real and he was sat right in front of me. I could have burst into tears just from the relief being lifted! But now it was time to tackle the next obstacle, getting used to him being at home, in this country.

This time around we didn't have a newborn to distract us from one another. From the lost lust that had been pushed to one side for 6 months. The thought of having someone in my bed every night was a distraction from sleep. My man, my soldier. I could touch him, he could touch me. Finally this wasn't a dream!

H seemed to come back a different man once again. He still wasn't the H I met before the first tour in 2009 but I knew he would never be that H again. The two and a half years in between H's deployments had gone by rather quickly looking back. A few memories I'd rather forget, but they made us stronger so I must be thankful for everything that has happened between us.

H and I sat down one evening, with a drink and had a lovely long chat. I think it was most needed to reconnect our brains to each others after being apart for way too long. He told me stories from the first tour and explained to me how different it was out there now. One story about him and his comrades being ambushed in this particular area during his first story was one he retold, he said he went back there. He couldn't believe that it was not now being run by the Taliban. I expected areas to haunt him, areas where he lost his good friends, but he said going back had made him realise something.

We had been up and down, and up and down a lot in between his tours. One minute we'd be happy, the other we would be gripping each other in rage. I'm not an innocent party to everything that went on, but H did say something to me that will never go away. He said that truthfully he had never really left Afghanistan after his first operational tour out there. The memories had stuck, the good and the bad. They would never have gone away anyway, but his memories were of fear and devastation. He said that having gone back there and revisiting areas that were not good last time had helped him "leave" the Afghanistan he previously knew behind.

In his words ... "In order to leave Afghanistan I had to go back to Afghanistan. My freshest memory now is a peaceful one"

Sunday, 27 January 2013


So it was a new countdown, however I did feel it was only a small jump to the end. 10 weeks, a walk in the park after the first stint! Whilst back at home my routine was to be put back into place. It was time to numb my brain whilst sat at my desk in work!

Once H had returned to Afghanistan, T had started wetting the bed, every night and sometimes more than once a night. It was heartbreaking thinking that the reason for this was because of his daddy not being around. What must children go through when a parent is deployed, and what effects does this have? Even keeping him occupied during the day cannot avoid what happens during sleep! The only thing I could do was wait for it to pass and pray that it did. The words "When is Daddy coming home?" Were said often before bed. I had to promise him that Daddy would return and bring presents. Once T was in bed it was time for me to convince myself that he would be home safe and sound, and not wet my bed with my tears.

T wet the bed for roughly two weeks. I was very pleased when it passed! However it made me realise that once they stopped it was because he got used to H not being here again! There was no hiding from worry and stress.


Weeks passed in a blur, however thankfully they passed quickly. I hyped up the fact that Daddy would be home soon to T and J, adding to the fact that both of their birthdays were coming up, they were like little bottles of pop!

H's homecoming date seemed to sneak up on me! It was T's 3rd birthday. H landed that morning. I had sorted out his new car for him to collect on his way home. I have to say I wasn't sure whether H was more excited about his new car or seeing me and the boys! I had work during the day and had arranged with my mother to take T for a meal for his birthday. H was hoping that he'd be able to get home in time to surprise T by walking into the restaurant with his birthday cake. I did not tell the children that their daddy was home that day, I wanted it to be a surprise.

T had spoken to H a few days before his birthday and told him he wanted a caterpillar cake. H had asked if T would keep him a slice of cake, and T promised him the caterpillars face. This made my heart miss a beat. I could not wait to see them reunited. I feel for T a lot when H is away, he has no male influence in his life. I'm a "single" mother whilst in the house, my mum looks after him and the childminder is a woman. J still has his biological father who he sees often so missing H isn't so much of a burden for him. Unfortunately now my dad is poorly and living in a care home T doesn't even have his influence. I wish H's family were able to come down and see him more often, at least T would then have his father to look up to whilst his daddy was away.

T clearly looks up to H, and loves him. At the restaurant we ate our meals and I knew H was unable to reach us in time for T's cake. I watched the flames flicker in T's smiley eyes as we sang Happy Birthday. It broke my heart thinking that H was unable to make it. T blew out the candles. As we cut into the cake T blurted out "Keep the face for my daddy, keep the face for my daddy". Thankfully I knew H was on his way home, otherwise I'd have burst into tears.

Once home I got the boys changed into their PJs, and we all sat there waiting. J had worked out that daddy was coming home but T still had no idea. I tried my best to keep them awake, but one at a time they dosed off! I sat there with my sleeping boys, with the biggest smile on my face. My man was coming home! I carried T up to bed and J slowly followed me. I tucked them up, kissing each of them on the forehead. "When you wake your daddy will be here" I whispered to T as I closed his bedroom door. I closed his door, looked up and my legs turned to jelly. H was almost here!! J gave me a kiss and promptly fell asleep, all worn out from excitement that will finally meet its end in the morning with the glimpse of their dad!

I found it hard to settle knowing that this chapter was finally over and soon I could turn the page! The door knocked and he was here! Home! Safe! Our lips connected and nothing could take away the ecstasy I was feeling!


The next morning I woke up, my man at my side. I realised T had sneaked in during the night, he was asleep on my other side. He'd completely missed the fact that there was another body in the bed. T stirred, woke up. He lifted his head from the pillow and made a double take. "DADDY" he screamed jumping over me straight onto H! Wow! Father and son reunited! J must've woken from the activity in our room. He came racing in "Daddy" he said jumping onto our bed. I giggled and just sat there thinking how lucky I really am!

Thursday, 17 January 2013


Wow, apologies for not writing in an extremely long time!

R&R of Herrick 16 flew by in the blink of an eye. I did not want it to end, but it had to. The events of the past two weeks would stay with me forever, that moment in the hot air balloon as I looked up at my man who was staring out at the scenery, I knew I had him back. Those bad times were ancient history, this was the man I fell in love with. After the balloon crash landed (that was fun) H and I grabbed fish & chips and ate them out of the wrapper. Giggling into our bag of chips I remember realising just how much he meant to me and how much I truly loved him. The problem now is what will he do to top this for our future anniversaries, he's going to have to book a space shuttle journey. The sky was the limit this time, now it's time to pass that! Although, I suppose you could say he's already put me up in space, having named a star after me!

The day he was due to fly back went by too fast. His flight was early hours of the morning, and I was dropping him to the airport. Watching him pack up his stuff was like a blow to the stomach, all I focused on was the fact he wasn't going back for long, only 10 weeks and he'd be home, finished, done.

We dressed the boys in their PJs and clambered into the car. H drove, and I sat in the passenger seat looking out the window at the starry sky. I made shapes out of the clouds, thinking about anything but the word goodbye!

Nothing ever goes smoothly for us I have to say, whilst driving through the dark lanes towards to the airport we got a flat tyre. So now T is petrified because its dark and we're surrounded by tall dark trees. H is left to change the tyre solo because I'm cwtching T to keep him calm. J needs a wee, thank goodness I only have boys, so he's in the trees having a wee and I'm shining my phone toward him so he can see. It was lucky that the tyre went before we dropped H off, as otherwise I'd have been stuck because it was the middle of the night and I have no idea how to change a tyre! We finally get to the airport, and then I know the goodbyes are coming. The boys are jumping all over H before they say goodbye to their daddy. I sit there, heartbroken holding back the tears. I do not want H to see my cry, I scream to myself in my head "HOLD IT TOGETHER WOMAN"! After the boys have jumped all over H and had their hugs and kisses I stepped out of the passenger side of the car, whilst H stepped out of the drivers side. It was my turn. He held me in his arms and kissed me, "Goodbye baby". I held it together, I got into the drivers seat and watched H walk away. I said a silent prayer for him to be safe out there.

10 weeks and counting....