Monday, 10 September 2012


The weeks leading up to my husbands R&R were nerve-wrecking! Too many questions flew through my head, Will he still find me attractive? How do I kiss him; Do I even know how to kiss anyone, it's been that long!!! What do I do in the bedroom? What do I wear? What do I say? What if I don't recognise him? Butterflies fluttered around my stomach, making me excited, making me feel sick with nerves.

The count down turned from double figures to 9, 8, 7 (one week!!!), 6, 5, 4 (Oh my gosh!)... The weekend before H came home I had taken J to London for a football training day, and a tour around Arsenal Emirates Stadium with an absolutely amazing charity called My Daddy Is A Soldier Adventures ( I cannot thank this charity enough for making my sons experience such a good one.

J supports Arsenal anyway, but he had the most fantastic day and still talks about it now, a month on! Whilst I was stood outside the Emirates Stadium awaiting our tour my mobile phone rang. "Afghanistan" and my husbands picture flashed up on the screen. I answered excitedly, eager to tell H of J's football training that morning and to say we were about to have our tour of the stadium. He also had something he was eager to share with me... "Baby, I'm coming home tomorrow". So I went from 4 days left to ONE! I cried, tears of joy. My stomach squirmed!

Thankfully I had my legs waxed the day previous, but I had so much to do before he came home. I stayed at my friend's house in Aldershot after the football day, and I felt like bouncing around constantly! The morning after I had to quickly pack up the car, pack up the children, and hit the road... The road that lead to the moment I had been waiting 18 weeks for! As stupid as this sounds but I was seriously worried about the first kiss.

Cruising down the M4 I was hyperactive, stressed, anxious, excited and nervous. I got home, finally! So much to do, so little time. Shower - check. Hair dried - check. The in-laws turned up ready to look after the children for when I go to the train station to pick up my soldier!! The watched the children for me as I applied my face, and pulled out outfit after outfit. I opted for a floral, lightweight, loose mini-dress, tan flip-flops and my denim jacket. I was shaking all the way to the train station. I got there with roughly 25 minutes to go, and I was parked in a 20 minute short stay space. I spoke to the attendent by the station entrance, after explaining my situation the lady was more than happy to let me through and said to not worry about my car.

I stood there waiting. Texting him! 'I'm pulling into the platform now baby' a text I received read. I was still shaking, more than ever. I stood there looking at the crowd walking towards me. I could not stand there and watch him walk towards me, I stood to the side so I could no longer see the crowd. So many people were filing out of the tunnel. Queueing to pop they're tickets into the barriers to let them through. I see it... The flash of camoflauge and tanned skin. I looked up. My handsome husband was showing his ticket to the guard, I slowly walked towards him, weak at the knees. I fell into his arms and collapsed into his embrace. "I'm home baby" he whispered into my ear, and tears rolled down my face. And there it was, the kiss! I pulled myself away from his chest and looked up at him, still being held up in his arms. He lowered his face to meet mine. Everyone in the station stopped, stopped for us, the world stopped. It was just me and him.

We walked back to the car, I felt like a little kid. I just kept looking at him. It was like a dream. I was waiting, any moment now I'd wake up! He softly kissed my lips once more before he pulled out of the car park. All I wanted to do was touch him, kiss him. The reunion with the children was beautiful. I had not told T that his Daddy was coming home, J knew as he'd watched me cry when I heard the news of H coming home early. T went running into his arms screaming "Daddy!!!!" and continuously told H's parents "This is my Daddy", just to make sure they knew who he was, they may have forgotten!


It was extremely strange having him home, having to share my evenings with someone, not that I was complaining! Our anniversary was coming up, two years wed. I have to admit those two years have had their ups and downs, but this was it, our turning point. Op Herrick 16 has turned our world around, in all the best ways! H had major anniversary plans, but they were a secret. The morning of our anniversary we exchanged gifts. I had bought him an Italian leather golf score card wallet. He loved it. He pulled out two boxed. I was excited. I opened the biggest box, it was a beautiful Pandora bracelet, complete with an angel charm. H told me the charm is to look after me when he is away. I wanted him to place it on my wrist straight away, but I had to open my other small box first. Inside the small ring sized boxed sat a small Love Letter Pandora charm, held in place with a dusk pink ribbon. "That is for the letters we have sent each other whenever I'm away" he said. He said he is going to fill my bracelet over the years with charms that tell our story. He is too romantic sometimes, but it makes me fall in love with him over and over again.


He then took me to one of my favourite towns, Brecon. We sat in a lovely coffee shop and I had a pot of tea with scones, strawberry jam and clotted cream. What H had planned for the morning had been called off due to weather issues, however it was a beautiful day in Brecon so I was happy. The cancelled surprise had been rescheduled for the following day. After a lovely time in Brecon, he led me back to the car. Where to next?? We drove back towards Cardiff, and H pulled into the Country House where we got married. He said we were just stopping there as it was too early to check into the hotel he was taking me. Next thing I know he is going to the toilet, and coming back with a ROOM KEY! He had booked us a room, back to where he made me his wife. He took me up to our room, the view from there was amazing, and it overlooked the front of the hotel where there was a gorgeous fountain. I was one happy lady. He instructed me to get ready as he was also taking me out for a meal and cocktails. I love this man so much it's unreal.

After an amazing night watching live bands and drinking cocktail after cocktail, we woke up and had a lovely breakfast in the hotel. I looked at him over the table, this man was mine. He was so handsome and gorgeous. I could eat him for breakfast... There were other people in the restaurant so I had to be satisfied with a sausage and some beans! H taunted me with the suprise that awaited me that afternoon. I convinced myself he was taking me on a helicopter ride, what else would be cancelled due to weather???

That afternoon H and I got into the car, he turned towards West Wales on the M4. 'Hmmmmm' I thought. I am terrible at guessing surprises so I thought it best that I just sit back and just wait until we arrived. We followed signs for Llandeilo. That was no hint to me what so ever. H looked at me and said "I think you should have put your hair up, although the helmet will cover that so not to worry. I hope they have boots that fit your tiny feet". Oh no! I still had no idea. He was obviously winding me up with these comments, what a tease! We pulled into a pub. Still no relevant clues. We ordered our drinks and sat on a lonely table in the pubs garden. We sat there and drank, I was slightly confused. After we had finished our drinks he told me to get back into the car. I did wonder for a moment, was that it, is he going to drive back home now? Haha! But he turned the opposite direction when pulling out of the pubs car park.

We drove down some country lanes, this surprise was getting more of a mystery the closer we got. We pulled up ouside a field. Woah! Inside the field there was a jeep, a big basket and a HOT AIR BALLOON! Wow! H was taking me on a Hot Air Balloon ride. I could not believe it. I jumped out of the car, and jumped on H giving him kisses. We jumped into the basket, H after me as he had to use his muscles to help the guy set up the balloon... And off we set. It was the most amazing view I have ever seen, and to share it with the love of my life made is 100% better. I kept looking over at the handsome man who held my hand. This was a brilliant surprise, and a surprise it was indeed. H and I kissed mid air, it could not have been better. Stuck in a basket, with my husband, watching the sunset as we floated over the beautiful scenery that was West Wales. H held me close and kissed me.

What a perfect surprise. I could not have wished for anything else. I love that man, and he will continue to amaze me forever.

Saturday, 7 July 2012


The title of this post is probably confusing... But let me just explain myself -

When I think back to before H left for Afghanistan this pops into my head "who was pushing who?". Needless to say, H and I weren't all roses before he left. We had been through the mill, and still not yet fully recovered. The thought of that length of time apart created so much anxiety in me that I could not relax to enjoy my time with him.

Now my heart aches for him, and I curse myself for not making our time special (really special) before he left. Then I sit there and remember that we "weren't quite there" then. And creating false moments would not be any good either. Obviously we had good times, and I loved him with all my heart, but special moments, etc seemed expected due to what was coming, therefore taking the special out of them. Everything we did was tainted with expectation.

Since H left I have had yet another lonely birthday. I had a cake in work on my actual birthday, which was lovely, but something was missing. I went out for tea with my mum, her boyfriend, and the boys, but something was missing. The Saturday before my birthday I went out for a meal with a friend then into Cardiff for a few drinks, but something was missing. The feeling of something missing would bubble up in my stomach, and make me feel sick. I would think to myself 'stop being so pathetic, its just another day. Stop it" but it would linger there waiting for a release that wasn't going to come.

I kept my phone near me in work, knowing that he would call. I had already had a wake up call, but my mornings are so rushed, its never the best time to call. His little picture flashed up on my phone's screen! "Hello baby" I answered. "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Kirsty, happy birthday to you". The tears welled up in my eyes, gosh how I wish he was here, in front of me, holding my face and kissing my lips. The phonecall wasn't too long as I was in work, but regardless of how long it was, it made my day. His sexy voice made me smile. "Tell Nicola thank you for getting you a cake as I couldn't".

After a long day at work, I came home to an attempted delivery of a parcel and attempted delivery from InterFlora. Hmmmmmm I thought. InterFlora had delivered my bunch of flowers to next door, and last tours memories swept through me. I don't recall if it was for my birthday or just because, but H sent me flowers and once again I had missed the delivery and they had been delivered next door. My next door neighbour is lovely, little old lady. She always has cakes for the children, they love seeing her! So this birthday - I knock on her door with disappointment as she is not there. I do not have time to wait as my mum was expecting me at the restaurant.

The whole time at the restaurant all I kept thinking was 'Come on, wanna get home, wanna see my flowers'. H is amazing at buying flowers, and I knew they were going to be gorgeous, and I simply could not wait to see them! We finish up at the restaurant, and I drive home to get to my flowers. Mrs Jones was home. She smiled when she saw me, and said "Is it your birthday or something" I nodded and she led me into her conservatory. There they were, a massive bunch of flowers, wrapped in fuschia wrapping, and placed in a gift bag. The flowers were beautiful, big pink roses and lots and lots of lilies, waiting to open up to show me their beautiful bright pink lining.

I thanked Mrs Jones, and carried my bunch of flowers back to my house. It was late so I gazed at them in the kitchen and prepared the vase as the children put their pyjama's on. I wanted to get the boys to bed before I arranged them in the vase and decided where they would live. It was late so the boys went to bed with no fuss, as they were exhausted. Once they were tucked in, I went back to the kitchen. I looked at my beautiful flowers and arranged them in the vase, deciding they should live on the windowsill in the living room. I was so proud of them. Gosh I loved that man!!

That night I lay in bed and weeped. I ached more than ever for him. I spoke to the sky, knowing that we were under the same one. We will be together soon, and then I can sleep with my curtains closed, knowing he is safe by my side, kissing my lips.

I realise that my love for my husband is growing, with the waiting I love him more every day. The anxiety that looms around military relationships is shrinking, and my love is growing. My aching for him confirms my love, my strength to wait for him confirms my love, and my ability to dream of when we are back together confirms my love.

As silly as this may sound, Op Herrick 16 has revived my love, revived my marriage, and made me realise just how much I truly love my husband. Sometimes the true love is over looked by routine, and expectations. When you are thrown out of routine, and your life is turned upside down, paralyzed, you realise who you want and what you want. I am grateful for this tour, grateful for it confirming our love for each other, and reminding us of this love, this true love. The love that is everlasting!

Absence makes the heart grow fonder!

Thursday, 7 June 2012


Firstly let me apologise for my lapse in posts. So much has been going on, and sometimes finding the words can be difficult. But this is my attempt...

I am half way through the first stint of this tour. 9 weeks done, yet 9 weeks until R&R. This is tour is definitely different to Op Herrick 10, but the loneliness is the same. This time I have two little boys running around my legs, rather than one and a bulging bump.

My children keep me busy, however I am finding it hard coping without any sort of restbite. As I write this I can feel myself tensing up and my eyes getting watery. What I am going through is loneliness, yet what I am going through is bound to wear off in some form onto my children. If I cannot cope, how can they? Up until this tour I was convinced I wanted another child, a girl to fill my painted nails/pig-tailed hole in my heart. It has become clear that I am not Wonder Woman, and two little boys is enough for me.

The first few weeks of deployment were difficult, T cried every night when I put him to be (how did he know it was different? Daddy doesn't live here anyway). He would no longer allow me to close his bedroom door at bedtime, like a security thing I guess... He wanted to know that I was still here and wouldn't disappear too. I would sit downstairs and cry as I listened to his plea "I want daddy, I want daddy" - his broken speech through falling tears. In time will he forget? Will he think Daddy was gone forever so there was no point in crying as he never came?

Weeks passed, these nights continued, I started dreading bedtime as I knew the heartache it would cause myself as well as him. J would try to comfort us both, as he could not sleep whilst T yelled. One night I sat at the bottom of the stairs with my head in my hands, breathing with difficulty. I heard J creep in to see T. "Here T, have my Daddy, you can cuddle him and it will be like he's here". J has a lot of army toys, including a HM Armed Forces "action man" type figure. That gesture, as small to some as it may seem, made me weep. When I'm in a "can't cope" mood I know my boys will have each other.

Soon the night time cries became shorter, and now they are more of a short moan. Whilst I was in it I felt it would never end. T has not forgotten H, they speak on the phone, he tells people "Daddy is in work, to get me toys". I guess children learn to cope too. J is very mature for his age, and only now and again will he miss H, I suppose it is different for J as he still has his true father on the scene, therefore has a male influence in his life. When H is away, T only has J in his life.

I have proven myself stronger than previously thought. Please do not get me wrong, I still cry at least two times a week. I still lay in bed at night with the emptiness in the pit of my stomach. And I still drive to work wishing he had kissed me goodbye at the doorstep (something that would not even be true if he was here, something I never wish for whilst he is in this country). I still hear songs that start me off and the lump in my throat rises.

I am lucky enough to have a supporting mum, and a supporting work place. My mum at the moment is my rock, more than she has been before. I look to her for refuge. I look to her for help. During my entire life I have been a 'Daddy's Girl', unfortuately I am not the same Daddy's Girl as I previously has been. I feel I have lost both the main men in my life. My husband, my bestfriend, my love is miles and miles and miles away fighting, living in a war. My dad, my hero, my cornerstone is in the next town, fragile, half the man that he was, sat in his room on a chair in a care home at the age of 47. Last tour my dad was everything, he helped me paint the nursery, decorate the kitchen, and stayed nights on the sofa when I was feeling low. He would turn up early in the morning to cook me breakfast to make sure I ate. He would walk J to school for me. He would clean my car. Now he sits there like an old man, but his eyes are still young. And I need him, but he can no longer give me what I need. I can no longer be the dad he's always been. This change is probably harder for him than it is for me. I go to visit him (admittedly this is rare) and I put on my brave face, the face I use in times of fear and upset, the face that drains every ounce of me just so I do not upset others.

H is amazing when he rings, and he writes me beautiful letters. He has booked surprises for me for R&R as it coincides with our two year anniversary. Just thinking of R&R is what gets me through the lonley moments (whether they be on the sofa, laying in bed or sat at my desk in work). I find myself sitting (laying) there with a big fat smile on my face, if anyone were watching they'd probably assume I was mentally unstable. My eyes gaze upwards, or are closed in a day dream. Today I came home from work to a perfectly folded blue rectangle shaped letter (how does he get the folds spot on?? I always seem to mess one up when sealing). I grabbed the letter and ran inside. It was addressed to 'Kirsty MILF' - I assumed that was me. As I opened the letter, carefully so not to ruin is expertly sealed edges, a playing card fell out. I thought I knew what this would be, during his last tour is robbed the card '4 of Hearts' as the number 4 was my favourite number. I am not sure if I have mentioned this before but the numbers 4 (mine), 10 (his) and 14 (ours) always play a relevant part of our life. I picked up my new playing card, Op Herrick 16 playing card. "Oh" I thought as I sat on the toilet, lid down (the bathroom where I grab 1 minute maximum of peace). I held in my hand the 4 of Spades. That I was not expecting. I open the letter fully and start reading.

This is what it read "I was walking through camp the other day and in the middle of an open area that I have to walk through I noticed a playing card, face down in the dust. I picked it up and it was the four of spades. I've posted it to you for you to keep as a symbol of how lucky we are. 4, 10 & 14 are not lucky numbers but just numbers that remind us of how lucky we are. Lucky to have met and lucky to have stayed together (you're the lucky one really I could have gone after you done two runners from me)."

Moments like these are what keep you going. Something as silly as this to others make your heart skip a beat, you beam with happiness. I shall place this 4 of Spades with my 4 of Hearts. Together they make 8 - 8th August 2010, my wedding day, my happy thought. I love my soldier. I shall wait forever & ever & ever & ever & ever....


Three things will last forever -
faith, hope, and love - and the
greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:13 (New Living Translation)

Wednesday, 4 April 2012


POTL - Pre Operational Tour Leave

H had two weeks off prior to his deployment. I was excited about being able to spend the time with him before his travels, but also slightly anxious about getting used to him being there before he gets swept away! Two weeks doesn't sound long enough to get used to someone, but going from weekend only visits to a full two weeks was like a luxury pampered holiday when you don't want to go home (back to reality).

As I knew H would want to see his friends from home and family members I only booked one week off work, the first week which was a mistake!! We spent the first week visiting and had one lazy day at home with the children watching DVDs and eating sweets! We didn't concentrate enough on us! Only one day did we spend the day together, and that was a good day, a VERY good day. We woke up a Saturday morning, and dropped the children to my mothers. We went back home to get ready, we both slipped into our red tops... It was Grand Slam day. Once we were all ready we held hands and headed for the train station! There were about 8 people at the station, mainly dressed in red! As the train pulled up, you could see that it was full with colours of red and blue! We stepped (I jumped, I'm only short!) onto the train, our carriage was over powered with blue shirts and berets. "I think we're on the wrong carriage!" I said. H looked at me and smirked. He gripped my hand tightly and we walked through the blue sea into the "red" carriage! Thankfully rugby was not represented by such hooligans as football, and it definitely was not a problem that we'd been mixed in with the blues to begin with! Once we were in Cardiff you could tell that the Capitol was rammed with supporters! Rivers of red and blue streamed the high street! This was my first rugby experience in Cardiff and I looked at H and my heart skipped with excitement! We found a pub and a spot to stand, we were clearly too late to get a seat!! The rugby did not start for 2-3 hours, yet every where was pumping! It was amazing! I loved looking around at all the happy people, and looking at my H. This (I knew) was going to be an amazing memory, whether we won the Grand Slam or not!

When the rugby started a woman called me up to sit on a ledge with her in the pub. H was fine with that as my feet were killing me, blinking heels! So I hopped up onto the ledge and watched intensely, screaming at the appropriate times and turning around for H to give me the odd wink, which made my heart skip a beat more times than Halfpenny scoring a try! The game was coming to an end and we had done it! We had won the Grand Slam against France! Everyone was screaming, everyone was hugging! I turned around, I could not get to him, I could not reach H! I was so overwhelmed by the whole experience, and that I knew this was a memory archived for me to refer to when H was deployed, my eyes filled with tears of joy and sorrow all at the same time! I turned to look at H, my phone buzzed, I looked down "I love you xxxx". I whipped my head around, he gave me his heart melting smile, winked and blew me a kiss, mouthing the words I love you! My smile beamed from ear to ear. If only I could get to him. The woman I was sat with bounced off the ledge, and I quickly followed, grabbed hold of H and gave him a huge kiss! The pub announced that they had run out of beer, so it was time for us to leave. We headed back to the train station and decided that we would go to the village pub before heading home!

I knew that once he had deployed to Afghanistan that all I would have to do is think of that moment when I turned to see him after winning the Grand Slam, and I would smile!

After a week with H, and knowing that he only had one week left before he deployed, I cried at the thought of having to go to work! I was petrified that if anything was to happen to him in Afghanistan that I would regret being in work that week for the rest of my life. I spoke to my boss, she understood and let me take the second week off too! I'm very blessed and lucky to have such a lovely boss!

Once again we did not stop the second week! So many people to see, so many things to do! We had decided that we were going to take the children to Lego Land, and had decided on the Thursday. This was not a problem, and I told J's school that we would be taking him out of school for the day like we had the week before. They understood. Unfortunately someone did not. J's dad sent me messages that only a child would think of saying, they were that ridiculous. I tried explaining to him that H is going away for six months and J would not see his step dad during this time, and missing one day of school to spend the day with H was not out of order. As horrible as it sounds I wanted to say "For all we know this could be the last time J sees H if the worst was to happen!". What went through J's fathers head no one knows but his response was untterly ridiculous - "So if it all kicks off in the Falklands and we all get called up like in the World War, I get to take J out of school whenever I want is it?". My response to this was "Shut up" I could not believe what I had just read!

Needless to say, we took J out of school to spend the last day of leave with H and as a family, as I was to drop H to camp the following day! And we had an absolutely fantastic day! J and H became best friends, running off to go on the biggest roller coaster together! And H went on the kids roller coaster with T also so not to leave him out. It was a much needed family day before H left! And to see the little Lego guards Trooping The Colour in Lego London brought a tear to my eye!

We were driving home up the m4, and I realised POTL had come to an end and it was almost time to say Goodbye! On the Friday we drove back down the m4, and I looked out the window most of the time with silent tears falling down my cheeks, I think I hid this well from H, and I don't think he noticed. Well I hope he didn't. I felt silly, weak! I stayed with H that night and I would drive home on the Saturday. It was easy to push away the following days promise (to take my H away) whilst we sat in a friends Hot Tub, eating BBQ. Another lovely memory.

I woke up Saturday morning thinking that what was happening couldn't be happening! I wasn't ready! I tried to be happy to not ruin our last few hours, but I struggled! What was I doing? Just smile and snap out of it I kept telling myself! Then it was too late. I sat on his bed as all the boys, and H filled the car with H's room! The car was full, I had to leave! The bed sucked me in. H walked into the room and looked at me. The bed released me and I jumped up at speed and grabbed him so tight. I tried holding it together but I lost it. I sobbed into his chest. He held me just as tight. How could I let this moment go? I could feel his breath on my neck, it gave me goosebumps! My body shakes as I tried to pull away.

I held his hand tightly as he walked me to the car. I sucked it up, and held my head high, all teared out I thought! I will not cry again I tried to promise myself. He sat in the car as I drove to the barracks gate to leave. There they were, the gates, the gates that lead me to a lonely six months! He jumped out of the car quickly, and ran around to my side! I opened my door but did not get out! He spoke loving words to me and words of encouragement as he bent down and held me. I wish I could remember those words but it's all a blur. I was crying again! His glazed over green eyes looked into my teary blue ones! He looked close to tears. I told him to stay safe and not forget me! He closed my door, my window was open. He leaned in and kissed my lips. It was time for me to drive away.

I did not look in my mirror, I did not want to know if he stood there and watched me or if he turned and walked away straight away. The soldier on stag gave me a sympathetic smile and nod. I smiled back. I turned out of the barracks and my eyes filled. I could not see through the tears. I had to pull over and pull myself together. I drove the wrong way twice! And both times I ended up driving passed the barracks again! My brain wanted me to run back in for just one more kiss, but I could not bear saying goodbye again! I found my way and turned the radio up loud! I sang (sometimes through tears) all the way home!

This was going to be a long few months. Next is my RnR tease! Words cannot describe the loneliness as I eat my tea without a text coming through, or laying in bed without his goodnight call. My first contact should ease my anxiety a bit. Until then I shall continue crying into my food, and laying in bed cwtching his pillow!

Stay safe soldier... All my love!

Monday, 27 February 2012


Well, deployment looms as ever, and things have gone down the slippery slope and completely off course.

Alcohol - What does it mean in everyones lives? A bit of fun? A vice? Something you cannot live without? Unfortunately I have been exposed to alcoholism most of my life. My dad is the way he is due to alcohol. He has damaged his body so much. Yet I still drink! Cirrhosis of the liver is hard to come to terms with when you are told your dad has it and he will not get a transplant. Why ruin your body that way? I also, this week, learned that my dads brain is actually 30 years older than it should be due to alcohol damage. I want to shake him, I wish I had known this many many moons ago, so I could warn him! Stop him from drinking!

My husband likes a drink. And unfortunately he drinks more than I care to admit of minding. It's his life, I think. But once it starts effecting my life, I have to take charge. Unfortunately walking out on the one you love seemed my only option.

It was very late on a Friday night. H had been drinking with his very close friend, a friend of which I approved! H seemed happy and that was nice to see. The boys sat with me and spoke how boys do, having a laugh. When his friend left, I was not expecting the turn of events.

After texting a thank you message to a friends boyfriend, as he had bought me an American Army hoody (as requested), a text which I though was innocent. H did not see it this way.

Unfortunately, H has been pushing himself away now for some time, and I worry that this may be some sort of self shield before he deploys to war once more in a months time. Due to the distancing being created between us, and an innocent incident by myself, it has also planted non-trusting thoughts into his head. These thoughts seem to surface after a good few beers!

Things got a bit out of hand, and I felt no choice but to grab my children and leave the house. This was not a scare tactic, my decision was final (at that moment) to leave for good!

This non-H like manner only comes out after a drink. Alcohol! H's vice! I longed for him to see that, in my eyes it was causing a wedge! And that wedge was due to crack very soon.

I'm sure your all wondering of my innocent incident that has planted doubt in H's head. A couple of months ago, H and I were out watching the Welsh Guards rugby, and as expected we bumped into some of H's friends from the Welsh Guards. I got on extremely well with one friend in particular. It wa not a sexual attraction, we had good banter. H was there so there was nothing going on. After talking to this boy on Facebook for a while, it sparked jealously within H. My 'not telling him' probably did not help, but the messages were not at all cheat-worthy. H has now read all the messages between his friend and myself, but unfortunately the induced jealousy is hard for him to shake off.

That weekend I did nothing but cry. I was up and down like a yo-yo. I'm leaving him, I'm staying with him. Where's my flower so I can pull each petal off, maybe that could help me make a decision and help my eyes see clearly!

I could not live without him, I could not breath without him, and the thought of him going to Afghanistan without my support was overwhelmingly hurtful!

I went to my counselling session on that Sunday. What do I do, I thought. I went in, independent woman styley! I can do this! I was determined that was the end, and that niggling at the back of my head will disappear over time. It had to disappear! I stepped into my home, there he was, ready to leave for work. I looked at his face, it stabbed my heart numerous times. This independent woman malarky was not kicking in. His beautiful green eyes read me like a book, he opened his arms and lifted his mouth. I fell into him. This is where I belong. My wonderful thought, sat in his arms. I cried! We cannot let go of what we have, it's still there hidden under doubt, fear and worry, but it was there.

We made promises. Let's hope we both stick by them! Mr & Mrs H... We're too strong together, we are a team!

H will cut down the drinking, he promised he will for me. I really really hope that my belief in him is reality. That moment I fell into his arms that night, it was like the beginning of a new chapter. I could breath more clearly, filling my lungs to the brim. This is how true love feels, it feels warm & cosy, with a slight glimpse of new horizons!

This right here, this is my wonderful thought. When I start feeling low, when I start having doubts, when he is not close to me, I can feel the butterflies. The butterflies of excitement, the butterflies of his comforting arms.

His arms will be around me soon! Think Of A Wonderful Thought....

Wednesday, 18 January 2012


My mother and I decided after about two hours of sitting there remembering old times and singing Wham! to my dad, it was time to go pick up H from the train station and get some seriously needed shut eye. I was completely drained and exhausted.

I was nervous as to how H was going to be with me. He'd had time to think on the train, had his mind been his own worst enemy or had he seen sense? He got in the car, I sat in the back. I could smell the alcohol on him! He tried to be as cheery as possible to my mum, but I could tell that the fact that he was home was purely honouring his husband duties.

I fell asleep in the back of my mums car, and woke when she stopped outside my house. H pulled the front seat forward so I could get out of my mums ridiculously small Yellow Mini. "I'll call you in the morning, or before if I hear anything from the hospital. And thank you mum".

I gave H a hug in the street, I got nothing back and as I reached up to kiss him he shook his head and gave me his cheek. I was heartbroken. If he loved me, and he knew how much pain I was in why would he not comfort me? What exactly was the point in him coming home at all? I tried shrugging it off so I could get some sleep, but this did not work. I had to bring it up, I had to have it out with him. I really should've thought that through! The conversation that followed was not a nice one, and it left me more scarred than I already was.

My body ached and urged for the gentle touch of my loving husband. He was no where to be seen, what sat in front of me was a stranger. I had never met this person before. He put cold arms around me as I sobbed. Cold, meaningless arms. They may as well have been razors for the pain and the hurt they caused. I wanted to push them away, but I wanted him in any form that he wished to give me.

We slept like two people in a bed, not a couple. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I fell asleep. Maybe he will see sense, maybe he still loves me. This chapter in my life was going to take a long time to heal, the cuts were deep.

H went back to work after the weekend. My dad woke up. I had lost two men in the space of a week. H was a stranger and this frail, scared man in the hospital bed was also a stranger. He could not speak. He was ripping his tubes out. He was acting like a child. I could not comprehend this. This man was my dad, my hero. How could this have happened? How did he become this? I still feared that they would have to sedate him, and that he may still pass away. I always fear the worst. Having experienced so much lose in my life, sometimes its hard to think that everyone around me will not leave, but will stick by me.

H and I did not speak much at all whilst he was in work, and I dreaded him coming home. How could he not see the love I had for him? I love him so much it hurts, and I would do anything for him to know it.

My dad was taking small steps in the right direction day by day, and soon he was on a general ward. He still found it hard to communicate, and would sit next to his bed and look at the birds out the window. He is only 47, he looked about 67.

I took J into see my dad, as I had seen such an improvement in him I thought it as time. They had both been asking to see each other, and my dads speech was a lot better. "What floor is he on mummy?" J asked. "He's on ward C1 babe, so that means he's on the first floor" I replied. J looked puzzled. We walked through the corridors of the hospital. He turned to me and said "I thought he would be on the top floor, being that he's the illest". This made me smile. Like as if there is a hierachy in hospital and the people most likely to die are located at the top. At least I had some reassurance that J now thought that his Bampi must not be as ill as he once thought. The innocence of a child can brighten even the darkest places.

I can't quite remember when H realised, or changed his outlook on our relationship, but he did. He was willing to put his accusations (as thats all they were) behind himself, and give us another shot. I thanked the Lord. I could not cope if I lost him.

With Christmas around the corner, I had a lot to sort out. My dad. My husband. The children. And my mum, who found herself to be a single woman this year. I had to make it extra special for all. Who knows where we'll all be next Christmas, this year has proved that!