Wednesday, 16 November 2011


The sun doesn't always shine in my life.

I'm not even quite sure how to write this post, or what to put in it to be honest. If I ramble I apologise!

When I'm happy I feel like I'm on top of the world and nothing can stop me! I feel more like me, and I can make jokes and laugh. A real laugh! Why can't I always feel that way!

H and I had a fantastic weekend. After three weeks apart it was so good to see him! I had craved his touch, his voice. I was so happy to sit on my sofa and snuggle up to my man. I was happy!

This may sound silly, but I felt so chuffed when H asked me to go to golf with him. He's always said he plays golf to get away from things to clear his mind. The things he used to have to get away from was me. The thought that he actually wanted to spend that time with me made me so happy. He said he'd hire a buggy and we'd drive around the course, and have some good chats. Secretly I knew he wanted to show off his golf skills, haha! But he wanted to spend time with me, serious time!

We drove up the windy road to the Celtic Manor. I'd dropped him off here before, but I'd never been excited for that. I was excited this time! I was dressed up in some navy trousers, pink Lyle & Scott jumper and a pink camp. I looked like a golfer, so at least I fitted in! Armed with a picnic I jumped into the buggy. Eeeek! This was going to be awesome! H played whilst I watched, beaming with smiles! We shared giggles, kisses and I helped him find his balls. His golf balls that is!! He only lost it once, on the first hole!

It got dark too fast, so we only reached the 16th hole. But those 4 hours were brilliant. Some H and I time that was so needed after three weeks of struggling without him.

He had a long weekend home, and didn't have to leave until the Tuesday. Now it's Wednesday. It's horrible sat here without him. It may have only been five nights with him home, but I enjoyed cooking his dinner. I enjoyed watching our programmes cwtched up on the sofa (cwtched is welsh, shall I say cuddled up on the sofa).

Now that I'm alone the dark cloud rolls in. I sit here with eyes filling up, and a trembling lip. Why is it that when I'm alone all I can think about is Afghanistan, and about how it will be when he's deployed in four months time.

When the dark cloud hangs over my head it's hard to smile, it's hard to be happy, to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Curling up in a ball sounds good, but I know I have to press on. Do the dishes, fix the kids lunches for tomorrow, and get myself to bed at a reasonable hour!

H sends me soppy text messages, and they do make me smile. After three and a half years of being together he still brightens my mood with just a text. He's my leaning post. The dark cloud has a sun shining behind it, that sun never goes, it only hides. It's trying to shine through. Maybe tomorrow it will blind me!